Tuesday 30th May.
It has been three weeks since I sadly lost my great auntie, whom passed away.
And this is a post about that.
NOTE: There is a reason I did not title this “How To Deal With Grief” – because I’m still working that out. It isn’t a How To, the purpose is not to give advice but to share what has happened and hope that it helps me and in some way may help others who have experienced something similar, just by the fact that we are never alone in this.
I have never experienced the death of a human close to me whilst being at an age to understand what it means or to fully grieve. This is my first time experiencing something like this, and yes, it’s hard.
I was extremely close to my great aunt, despite her living in Malta. I spoke on the phone to her three or four times a week and we had lengthy conversations about our days. My family and I visited her once a year, almost every year. The bond we had was unlike any other relationship I have had before – it was special, to say the least. I think the reason I loved our bond so much, the reason I still love the bond we had, is because it was built on one pure thing, and nothing more or less: it was built on, simply, love.
It might sound silly, but nowadays I feel like so many relationships are built on other things like presents and money and having to see each other 24/7 or else the relationship deteriorates. With my auntie, we didn’t really buy each other presents, we didn’t give each other heaps of money when special events roll round, we didn’t see each other as much as we would have liked to in an ideal world (yet I still feel incredibly privileged to have seen her once a year). Yet we had an incredibly strong and unbreakable bond. My favourite things I’ve been given are jewerlly and makeup, but nothing compares to the card she sent myself and my family last Christmas. Simply because it was sent with love and because it represents the women who I will always look up to. Such a simple thing, yet so effective and meaningful to me. I have never loved someone the way I loved her. I refuse to believe I ever will, and that isn’t a bad thing or something that makes me sad, but instead a fact that I treasure and feel glad that we shared.
Her name was Rosemary, but I called her Auntie RoRo. I could go on and on forever about the kind of woman she was: smart, beautiful, kind, caring, pure, innocent, sweet and funny. She loved watching her soap called “The Secret”, she often accidentally referred to the phrase “chilling out” as “chilling off” and she called me her ‘hanini’ (a maltese word for ‘sweetie’ / ‘dear’ / ‘cutie’).
When I found out she passed away, I literally felt my world come crashing down and I couldn’t breathe or stop hysterically crying. It was the worst feeling ever.
The days after her death I felt constantly low and sad, like I had no energy and I didn’t want to do anything.
Now I’m at the point where it’s very much up and down. Some days I’ll be fine, smiling and laughing, others I feel so sad that my heart hurts and I cry until I feel like I have used up all the tears possible. Night times are the worse because I lay there and think about it all and it makes me feel very lost and alone.
Despite all of the hurt and sad and heartbreak, one thing I know, one thing that brings me peace is that she wanted to be reunited with her parents as she missed them so very much and now I personally believe she is and the fact that I believe she is happy up in heaven makes this hurting a little easier.
The grieving process is hard and I don’t know how long it’ll take until I feel better than I do now, but I know time is a healer and I rely on that to help me through, as well as my religious beliefs to guide me.
If there has anything I have learnt about experiencing the death of a loved one, it’s that you should always talk to those around you for support if you feel it’d be helpful, because people really do care and understand and can help you by just simply being there for you. My family and friends really have been incredible.
I miss you and love you always, Auntie RoRo. Forever with me.
Sending love always.